How do all these spammers know I have a tiny penis?!?!

Quick anonymous survey: Have you ever peed and brushed your teeth at the same time?

Dear Todd Barry,

I just got back from your Christmas eve performance at The Knitting Factory and wanted to write you an email regarding your performance (at The Knitting Factory).  

As you can tell, I’m a big fan (I’m the guy that waved at you in the balcony) – so much so, in fact, that I’d purchased your new CD this previous week.  

So you can imagine my dismay when I heard a great deal of the same material from the CD in your performance tonight.  I know coming up with new material isn’t easy, but I mean, seriously, come on.

Duuuuuude?

~Mike

expect a phone call!!!!(see below)

Just got back from the Tribeca Tavern. (My cup had “runneth dry” a while ago and I was starting to fade fast so I headed out for a quicky drink.) I had a beer and a shot, but those fuckers wouldn’t pour a rum and coke into my soda bottle so I had to stop and get a Mike’s Hard Lemonade to sustain me at work. So far so good…(see last post)

Balls!!!!!(see below)

Jamie said he smelled something on me so I had to swig everything real quick then I threw up on my desk a little. I got it cleaned up in time so everything’s still cool.(see last post)

It’s actually more of a 40/60 vodka/coke ratio now. I had to pour some out because it was too damn strong.(see previous post)

Ok, so today at lunch I mixed a 50/50 vodka/coke ratio into a soda bottle. I just got back to my desk and I intend to finish it before 4 PM. Wish me luck.

I’d like to make a little short called “$10.”

It will document the actual earning and spending of $10 by a few real people – you’re all invited to participate. I know what mine’ll be!

Anyone else interested? How will you make/spend your $10?

Can I go off on a little rant here? I want to talk about something that really pisses me off, and I’m sure I’m not alone here. You know whenever you fill out a form on the web, right next to the “submit” button there’s another button – it’s usually called “clear” or “cancel” or something? Well it’s BULLSHIT! I guarantee NOBODY takes the time to fill out an entire page with their personal information, gets all the way to the bottom, and then realizes, “Opps, I’ve filled out EVERYTHING wrong! Thank goodness for this “clear” button!” What invariably ends up happening is that you’ll press it by accident, because for some fucked up reason, the button that destroys all the work you’ve just done is RIGHT NEXT TO THE SUBMIT BUTTON!!!!!! Christ that’s annoying!

This website here is an amazing tool to create anagrams.

My favorite anagram I’ve found so far is the following: Vagina: nag via.

There are also lots for “President Bush”:

BENDS PURE SHIT

BUSTED HER NIPS

DEBUTS HER NIPS

DEBT RE HIS PUNS

BURNS DEEP SHIT

Fun fun fun!

Wet paint? I’ll be the judge of that!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Speaking of blogs, Google can help you dive headfirst into some pretty strange and random ones. It’s easy, just search for stuff like the following:

“and there was no fucking way”

“the pain was unbearable”

“that’s when it got weird”

“for years and years and years and years”

“so then I was like”

You get the idea. Any good ones? Share them in the comments.

There’s gone be some changes round these parts.

I know I used to harp on blogs but the time came when I had to admit defeat and embrace their ease of use.

I used to update this site manually, the old fashioned way, because I thought I was a purist. In much the same way some of us prefer the crackle and pop of those stupid vinyl records, I preferred to upload new content to this site via ftp and write much of the html by hand.

But do you know what that was? It was a gigantic pain in the ass. And who suffered? We all suffered. It sucked for me when I wanted to post something but was too lazy to write code for 20 minutes. And it sucked for you when you were bored – either unable or unwilling to seek out pornography – and thought that maybe you’d cruise on by the cleverest, because every once in a while – FUCK!!!! That fucker STILL hasn’t updated his website! What the FUCK is he waiting for?!?!

So now with the help of modern technology, I can upload new content to this site lickity-split without all the bullshit. But what’s reeeeally cool about “going blog” are the comments everyone can write. In fact, I strongly encourage you to leave a little something behind whenever you drop by. Don’t know what to write? Doesn’t matter. Nobody reads this shit anyway.

See you all in cyberspace!

Tonight as I got off the subway I was greeted with thick black smoke, blazing sirens, and thousands of people on the street. It seems the 99 cent store about a block from my apartment had caught fire. I had my camera, a fully charged battery, and a surprisingly absent sense of self-preservation. Enjoy the photos! (Click the photo for the gallery)

Here are the photos from the legendary Tinkle Booze Cruise Click here