Posts filed under "Written"

June 13, 2008

Pocket Pool

People get the wrong idea when they see an old pair of pants with holes cut into the pockets. It doesn’t necessarily imply that the owner of the pants is a public masturbator. It might just mean that he likes telling little kids to reach into his pockets and try to find the candy.

March 27, 2008

Uncle Rick Died

I just had a great idea for a way to teach young children about the dangers of drinking, as well as a way to help actors find work. Hear me out.

Parents will hire an actor (any ‘ol actor will do) to play “Uncle Rick.” Uncle Rick will only need to sporadically meet the kid a few times during the “role”, which will consist of the kid’s family having Uncle Rick over for dinner a few times over the course of about 3 years. The more years the kid keeps Uncle Rick in the back of his mind, the better the payoff. See where I’m going with this?…

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October 2, 2007

Vintage 2001 Scam Baiting

Back by popular demand, here’s my vintage 2001 email correspondence with one of the first actual Nigerian email scammers. It’s a long read but well worth it, if I may say so. And it’s all true, to the word.
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May 24, 2005

They Use Dead Babies in Advertising

Did you know they use dead babies in advertising because they’re cheaper and easier to work with than alive babies?

It’s true.

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March 28, 2005

Available Domain Names

Just in case anyone’s interested, the following domain names are available.

vadgezilla.com

testiballs.com

ourvagina.com

letshearitforhitler.com

allnudeapes.com

ohgrandma.com

getintomyvan.com

thatwasntcreamcheese.com

itsinmyhairitsinmyhair.com

Feel free to suggest more. Go to www.networksolutions.com to see what’s taken and what’s up for grabs.

January 10, 2005

Tsumani Playlist

Over the weekend, Gabe and I (HI GABE!!!!!!!!) received one of the coolest presents ever. Our friend Amanda produced a lovely disaster mix for us – "The Silva/Solomon Tsunami Jamboree!" The mix CD is so astounding, not only have I included the playlist below, but I’m also adding some keywords so it gets ranked higher on Google. Tsunami Album. Tsunami Mix. Tsunami Jamboree. Tsunami relief effort. How do I help the tsunami victims? I want to donate money to the tsunami relief effort. Penis Enlargement. Viagra.

1 – Wipeout – RALPH REBEL

2 – Singapore – TOM WAITS

3 – Tokyo Storm Warning – ELVIS COSTELLO

4 – Catch a Wave – THE BEACH BOYS

5 – Secrets of the Sea – BILLY BRAGG & WILCO

6 – Body Count – ICE-T

7 – Christmas Island – THE ANDREW SISTERS

8 – My City Was Gone – THE PRETENDERS

9 – Five Feet High and Rising – JOHNNY CASH

10 – One Night in Bangkok – MURRAY HEAD

11 – Ocean – THE VELVET UNDERGROUND

12 – (Sittin’ On The) Dock of the Bay – OTIS REDDING

13 – Ain’t Goin’ to Goa – A3

14 – Brick – BEN FOLDS FIVE

15 – The Tide is High – THE PARAGONS

16 – Nightswimming – R.E.M.

17 – Bridge Over Troubled Water – SIMON & GARFUNKEL

18 – Wave of Mutilation – THE PIXIES

19 – The Times They Are A-Changin’ – BOB DYLAN

We’ve had a lot of laughs here today folks. Lots and lots and lots of laughs. Because that was funneeeeey. Oh, and donate to the relief effort.

December 29, 2003

Thoughts on Genes

I think that blaming one of your less desirable genetic traits on the parent that passed it down to you is pointless. Let’s use big ears as an example. If a guy has gigantic ears, he’ll most likely blame his big-eared father for passing down the gene. But everyone knows that you have no control over which genes you pass down and which ones you don’t. It’s not the father’s fault he has big ears. If anything, the dude should blame his mother for marrying the big-eared freak.

November 13, 2003

Funny Product Recalls

Product Recalls! !! You asked for it, you got it.

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