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TheCleverest.com's Office of Public Safety presents:
Product Recalls
GASCO (TM) Brand Product Recalls for the United States and North American Territories
Little Jimmy (TM) Brand Soda Pop flavored licorice snaps
A small percentage of Little Jimmy (TM) brand soda pop flavored licorice snaps produced at GASCO (TM) factory 73 in manufacturing block 9A are contaminated with molten plastic. If you've purchased GASCO's (TM) Little Jimmy (TM) brand soda pop flavored licorice snaps between the dates of March 27, 1986, and April 14, 2000, please call 1 (900) GASCO-RECALL immediately.
Owl Eye (TM) Brand Hi-Vision Luminous Night-Vision Goggles
In certain conditions, the safety mechanism on the servo motor of the leverage gasket can malfunction. This very rare sequence of events can lead to skull fractures and extreme, debilitating vision impairment.
GASCO (TM) Inert Gasses Interactive Education Kit & Sampler
Certain samples from batches filled in the Philippians in 1997 contain gasses that are not inert. These gasses, when tested with the included monitoring solution, can explode violently and blind subjects within a 90 meter radius.
Paramount Pictures "Breakfast at Tiffany's" Motion Picture
Copies of the Paramount Pictures motion picture release entitled "Breakfast at Tiffany's" should be returned to the manufacturer for replacement. The original version of the film contains an unbelievably offensive portrayal of a Chinaman character by actor Mickey Rooney in yellowface.
Deathbed (TM) Brand Anti-Roach Biscuits
Market research indicates that Deathbed (TM) brand anti-roach biscuits are often mistaken for treats by household pets and children.
Kid Brother (TM) Brand Tabacco-less Cigarettes
The Formulon (TM) substance used to simulate tobacco in Kid Brother (TM) brand cherry cigarettes can lead to lung cancer, emphysema, long-term addiction, and tobacco craving.
Johnny Whizz Bang (TM) Seven Stage Model Rocket
Johnny Whizz Bang (TM) seven stage model rocket packages marked with product code "D-4" on the silver sticker beside the UPC code should be returned to point of purchase immediately for a full refund. Certain samples of this product may contain lead-based paint.
Prick Pick (TM) Brand Urethra Cleaner
Protest from the Medical Association of America has encouraged us to rethink this product, and we have determined that the technique the product is designed for should not be performed at home or without the supervision of a doctor.
Diablo del Dioses (TM) Brand Mild Taco Sauce
Labels from this product were accidentally placed on bottles of paint thinner.
Fuel-All (TM) Brand Power Pellet
Research has determined that this product should not be ingested.
Gentle Hands (TM) Brand Scrotum Message Cradle
Units sold in the United Kingdom may be packaged with the wrong model power converter for international use. Use of an improper power converter can cause the cradle to operate at increased rates of speed and exert overwhelming force. In addition, page 43 of the manual contains errata. The phrase "raise the cradle to your scrotum and begin operation" should instead read "carefully lower your scrotum into the cradle. Always place the cradle on a dry, steady, solid surface."
All the King's Horses (TM) 450 Horsepower Home Engine Add-On Kit
Always consult a trained mechanic before attempting engine modifications. Never start a modified car that is pointing toward a person or large object. Always cover ears when starting modified cards. Never start car without protective hood lowered.
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